Blasphemy or Epiphany?

I love watching other artists work! I eat up YouTube videos, UStream classes, online workshops and creative blogs like ice cream with extra fudge and whipped cream. But... sometimes, I found that it was leaving me a little unsure of my own capabilities.

So, after much soul searching about what I was "trying to say" with my art, I discovered that I wasn't trying to say anything at all. I was simply enjoying creating art for the sake of creating art. However, I was so consumed with trying to be something I am not, that I was in a total "art freeze".

I will never be able to talk like an artist....

Tonight, I have pulled up a chair, lit my wonderful Reiki charged candle (its almost gone, time to go to incense), lit up a cigarette (yes, I smoke), grabbed a coffee (the real stuff, no decaf here today), pulled my favorite colors of paint (Indian Yellow, Cobalt Teal, and any Quin there is), grabbed my favorite paper pieces from my horded stash (really, why am I waiting to use it?), and just went to town creating a giant mess.

I am not posting a picture of the final work, as honestly, it is horrid. But the freedom I felt from relieving myself from having to use the words like "organic", "internal", "natural", etc... that so many of my artist friends use, BEFORE I even started to work was wonderful.

I will never be able to talk like an artist....

These are the new buzz words that many of us hear from our peers, and I often times felt pressure to change my art to reflect these words. I found it very intimidating and even discouraging when I could not describe the "feeling" behind my art.

I will never be able to talk like an artist....

I do what I like and it really has nothing to do with organic, internal, natural, etc.... as soon as I figured that out, I was free. I do what I do.

Why do I have a Reiki candle  or Champaka incense in my studio? Honestly, because it smells wonderful. Centering to create art for me is much more internal than these rituals. It often times involves me waking in the middle of the night to a dream I need to get on paper, and then other times, it involves me contriving art for a corporate customer.

I honor those artists that find their center in these rituals. However, I found that trying to be "like them" when I really wasn't was causing me caution, doubt, and worry in my own art process.

I will never be able to talk like an artist....

I am practical, I am deliberate, I am the farthest away from organic, internal, and natural as you can get. But, I enjoy creating art.

But I need to own my process, not pretend like I am someone else... give me a candle, cigarette, beer, my favorite paints and my favorite papers. I will undoubtedly create something that I again deem horrid, but I will be happy in doing it my way.

I will never be able to talk like an artist... but I do hope that the freedom I have found from knowing this will allow me to express "me" more fully in my work.

I will never be able to talk like an artist.... and that is really ok, I still know I am an artist.

That's all for today!

~Mique